


You Have No Idea Just How Much I Love You

by nursal1060



Series: JayBru (Jason/Bruce) [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics), Red Hood: Lost Days, Under the Red Hood
Genre: Anger and Sadness, Bat Brothers, Bat Family, Batfamily Feels, Bruce Needs a Hug, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Bruce Wayne is a Good Dad, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Crying, Cutting, Daddy Issues, Dark, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Son Relationship, Force Choking, Healing, Healthy Relationships, Hopeful Ending, Hugs, I Made Myself Cry, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Jason cries, Jason feels inferior, Jason feels unloved, Jason-Centric, JayBru - Freeform, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Parent-Child Relationship, Past Character Death, Protective Bruce Wayne, Psychological Horror, Psychological Trauma, References to Depression, Regret, Resolution, Resurrected Jason Todd, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, broken jason, brujay - Freeform, emotional breakdown, hopeless, inferior complex, proud bruce, shared pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 20:38:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12328452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nursal1060/pseuds/nursal1060
Summary: Jason's depression has become much more severe once he rejoins the Bat Family in the manor.He wishes that Bruce could be proud of and love him again. Little does he know, Bruce already does.





	You Have No Idea Just How Much I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE TAGS! TW FOR SELF-HARM ELEMENTS AHEAD!
> 
> This fic was inspired by all the Jason Todd fics, pics, and AMVs I've been seeing the past week XD I used to not like Jason all that much (crazy, I know), but after watching Batman:Under The Red Hood, his character made a LOT more sense to me, and I identify with him now. 
> 
> I read a comment in one of the sad AMVs I watched, saying how everyone portrays the cocky, confident side of him...but most people forget that he's probably psychologically hurting from everything he's been through. And I agree. No one can really go through what he does and be confident all the time.  
> I feel like him patching things up with Bruce is a story often ignored, so I decided it needed a fic! 
> 
> (Of course I was listening to the song 'Daddy Issues' while I was writing it...feels like it fits well with Jason in this fic XD)
> 
> I did not edit this fic as heavily as I normally do, so it is more of a drabble. Forgive any mistakes I may have made!
> 
> Enjoy! Comments and Kudos are always appreciated! <3

Jason curled up in his childhood bed in the manor. The moonlight came in through the crack in the curtains. The manor was quiet. The rest of the bat kids had gone out on Gotham patrol, but Jason...just couldn’t go tonight. Bruce told them to go ahead without him, and Jason had retreated to the room that held so much happiness and pain in his heart.

His depression was back in full force ever since Bruce had asked for a family night a week ago -- and forgotten to invite Jason. It only solidified the thoughts in his mind: Bruce didn’t care about him. The bat kids only loved him out of obligation. He could disappear or die again and nothing would change. 

Jason teared up and he pulled his knees to his chest. He played at being tough, but inside...he’d been broken. Broken so badly that he wasn’t sure he could be put back together. Not back to the way he used to be: spunky and cheerful and cocky but innocent. The apple of Bruce’s eye. Dick’s little brother Robin. Gotham’s little boy wonder. 

Jason felt like a monster. He'd wanted nothing more than to make Bruce and Gotham proud. He couldn't. He was too dark, too tainted…

“Bruce! Bruce!” Jason looked up and saw a memory of himself as a child. He was bouncing on the bed like a child while in his pajamas. Bruce looked on from the door. Little Jason had jumped off the bed and did a somersault into Bruce’s arms, who was holding him and laughing. “Can I sleep in your room tonight?”

Bruce looked at him with fondness, “Come on Jason, you’re 11 now. How about we sleep in your room?” Jason nodded furiously and both came over to the side of the bed before the memory ended. 

Jason missed that side of Bruce. The caring side, the fatherly side, and the side that gave into his every wants and needs. Maybe he missed being a child. At least then he’d have Bruce all to himself. And Bruce wouldn’t HATE him.

Jason felt hopeless, he wanted to disappear. 

He looked over to his nightstand and opened the drawer. He pulled out his razorblade box and unwrapped a fresh one. Shaking, he held the blade steadily to his skin and gently pulled down. Jason flinched for a moment before the pain dulled. He watched the dark red strip of blood run down his wrist before dropping onto his bed. Drop after drop, and he watched with sadness. Each drop, in his mind, was a happy moment with Bruce...and they were pouring out of him. He repeating the cutting action several times, so lost in his own thoughts and memories that he didn’t notice until he felt a pair of arms pulling the blade away from him. 

“What the hell Jason?!” Jason looked over to see Bruce holding his arm, clotting the cuts with one of his black gloves. Jason regained his emotions and struggled against him. He punched with his better arm, which Bruce blocked easily. After a bit of tussling, Bruce managed to pin Jason down and restrain him enough to clot the wounds on his wrists. 

“What are you- why are you doing this?” Jason didn’t talk as his head was pressed softly onto the pillows. He turned his head to the side and looked at Bruce’s face. His expression was cold like it always was, but his eyes were different. To Jason, they showed...pity. He grunted and struggled, he hated receiving people’s pity. Especially Bruce’s.

“You’d never understand! You never have!” Jason’s sudden tone shift caused Bruce’s grip to loosen just slightly, causing Jason to slip free of his grip, He grabbed Bruce by his collar and pulled him onto the bed roughly. Jason straddled Bruce’s hips as he leaned onto his chest and wrapped his hands around Bruce’s throat. Jason’s grip was firm but not tight. 

Bruce looked a bit shocked, but more so because Jason was trembling. He was shaking and his his arms were showing it. “Jason.”

Jason grit his teeth before he spoke, “All I ever wanted Bruce...was for you to love me! To not look at me as a failure! I wanted you to treat me like Dick, like Tim, even like Damian! But you never look at me like you do to them!” Bruce noticed a few tears dropping out of Jason’s eyes as he shook harder, “I just...wanted you to love me. Is that...too much to ask for?” Jason’s face reflected years of feeling inferior and feeling as though he should have remained dead.

Bruce sighed and told him, “I am proud of you. I have been since you came back to the family.”

Jason clenched his hands a bit tighter around his neck, saying, “Liar! You never ever saw me as their equal! As someone to be proud of! You always separate me from them, you always compare me to them, but you don’t love me like you love them! I should’ve...I should’ve just stayed dead.” Jason was full-on crying now. He felt devastated and this was the first time he’d opened up to Bruce about the truth.

Bruce reached up and helped Jason off of him, saying, “Jason...you have no idea just how much I love you. Everything you were, everything you are, I love.” He leaned back and took off his turtleneck, pulling it over his head. While his body was littered with scars, he held out his arm to Jason. Jason looked at it, and noticed a group of old scars etched into his arm, spelling his name. Jason realized that Bruce had self harmed after his death, marking his skin in reminder. “Jason, I may have blamed myself for your death, but that was a long time ago. I give you space because I know...you need it sometimes. But I am happy you’re back, I missed you too much when you were gone.”

Jason sniffled, and let himself cry a little bit more. He leaned in and for the first time in years, hugged Bruce. He was the only parental figure he’d ever known. Hearing from Bruce’s mouth that he loved him and that he missed him when he died was all it took for Jason to melt. After playing tough for so long...he decided that he needed Bruce to see the real him. The insecure, the sad, the depressed version. Bruce had been there too. 

Bruce hugged Jason and rubbed his back. He had missed his son being young and innocent, but he loved him even now, as troublesome as he could be. Maybe he should tell him more often. At least he knew Jason loved and missed him as much as Bruce did to him.


End file.
